Random ramblings...

I missed the whole month of February - at least in the blogging sense. I was actually quite social for a change. But that is not why I'm here today. I'm writing today because I've had a lot on my mind - stress about work, about moving, about money, about (not) finding love, about life in general. So I turned on my ipod, pulled up a playlist I enjoy (mostly 80's stuff) and sat down to write. And as I wrote, so many of the lyrics just hit the nerve that always surfaces when I have impending life changes (something that I just figured out tonight - breakthrough!!)!

"If you leave, don't look back"
"Always something there to remind me"
"Funny how time flies"
"For worse or for better, we belong"
"Standing on broken dreams, never losing sight"
"I'll be guiding you"
"Only in dreams can it be this way"
"Someday love will find you, break these chains that bind you"
"Perhaps I should leave here, go far away"
"All that we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see"
"I remember how we used play, simply waste the day away"
"Only the lonely can play"
"Give me something to believe in"

A friend commented to my post on Facebook that "music rocks" with "It's medicine for the soul and fuel for the drive". That is so exactly what I am feeling! It's healing & thought provoking & kind & generous & an open window to feeling. Even the 80's pop songs! Crazy, I know!! ;-) Who'd have thought?

But my mind kept working. I ended up writing (with pen & paper - the old fashioned way) a page and a half long rambling about the past and faith and God. I won't go into the details. On paper, it all seems so simple & easy & straightforward. It should be something I can just apply to my life. But I struggle. I struggle immensely. And I know it's something I must do for myself. This is not a struggle that anyone can help me with in this life. It's something I must figure out on my own. Personal struggles suck! And they suck even more because they always surface when life is at it's most chaotic. I don't think I could talk to anyone about this. Just sending it out in the universe via words on a screen is so much easier, much safer. I can hit "send" and then forget about it (or at least attempt to).

I can see how depression can overwhelm a person. Thankfully in all of this, I can see the good. I can recognize the love around me. It doesn't heal or solve the struggle but it helps me to continue through the struggle. I still get up every day; I go to work; I call/visit my family; I see my friends (mostly).

First playlist just ended. Debated on listening to it again but decided to move on to the "Monster Madness/Ballads" playlist. I do love my 80's hair bands! :) Cheesy goodness hidden in guitar solos & big hair.

But back to the ramblings. I debate on journaling my thoughts. I mean really, will future generations really care about my ideas on faith & life. I'm not a deep thinker or profound or realize human race changing ideas. A small part of me hopes but knows it's just the individual longing for immortality. And yes this piece of me will live on whether anybody reads it or not. Though if nobody reads it, is it really immortal or just an illusion? And if they do read it, are they just going to think it's just the silly ramblings of a sad woman? But regardless, writing is supposed to be good for the soul. So I write. Not often enough or long enough but I write. And I hope that some good comes of it - for me especially. So here's to hoping. Here's to the struggle. Here's to having faith in something. Here's to the dream of love. Here's to living, every day.

Now, I'm going to go & listen to my tough guys with heart sing & play while I escape for a while in a chick lit book!! :)