Mar 20 - Mar 26, 2011

Sunday was a day full of emotion, good and bad, and sort of an indicator of things to com e during the week.  It was the day of James's memorial.  It was rainy day, overcast and blustery.  James enjoyed the rain so in a way it was fitting.  The memorial was held just up the street from my place at Oak Canyon Nature Center.  They have an outdoor amphitheater surrounded by trees – absolutely beautiful.  There was no “official” program, just friends and family sharing their memories of James.  As a stage manager he would’ve been annoyed that it started so late but would’ve forgiven all because of the weather.  I didn’t get to stay afterward to mingle as I had to work.

As soon as the memorial was complete, I headed in to work.  When I arrived, I found out fireworks had already been cancelled but no one had bothered to contact me – the stage manager in charge!  They had also cancelled the pyro portion of MMY without consulting me.  Granted, it was super rainy and I was prepared to argue cancellation to those in charge, but to not include me in the decision was annoying.  So I ended up not needing to be to work so early and sat around being frustrated with everything, most especially not getting to be at the memorial longer.  So I did two shows of MMY – IN THE RAIN!  I had a total of 30 people watch both shows.  I truly hope those 30 Guests appreciated the show Because I had to stand out in the pouring rain for an hour, getting my feet soaked and having my umbrella get so wet it started dripping on me.

Monday began “Join Jack’s Crew” tech week.  Monday/Tuesday were final rehearsal days for the cast during the day.  then when the cast went home, Rene (the other SM) and I would stay to work on Tech things in the venue in the evenings.  Wednesday/Thursday were dress rehearsals in the venue overnight.  It was freezing cold on Wednesday and while warmer on Thursday, it was rainy & wet.  In fact, we ended up cancelling Thursday’s rehearsal after just one run through.  The equipment needed to be shut down and covered because it was just too wet.  But we managed to get everyone in a run in at least one of their positions.  And we did some additional rehearsal in the rehearsal halls just to solidify lines and intentions.  They even catered for us on Wed/Thurs so even though we were cold & wet, we had awesome hot food!

In addition to the super long days at work, on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I had family in town and playing at the park.  Uncle Dan, his wife Krystal, two of her grandkids, my Cousin Jared, and his son Jared all spent 3 days experiencing the Happiest Place on Earth.  The kids had never been before and Jared hadn’t been since he was a youth.  Unfortunately because of work, I couldn’t spend as much time with them as I would’ve liked, but I spent an hour with them on Tuesday & got the littlest one into the Jedi Training Academy.  Wednesday, I enjoyed the Tiki Room with them before heading out.

Friday was opening night for “Join Jack’s Crew”  and lots of executives were going to be there.  And of course because of the rain we hadn’t actually gotten to rehearse a few of the last minute changes.  But we were up to the task.  It was chaotic, hectic, crazy, and good – the feedback was all positive and everyone did a fantastic job!  Saturday ran a bit smoother but we had the studio executives come to shows.  Their feedback was also positive.  Can’t argue with that!  :) WE continued to adjust and learn throughout the night.  We keep joking that by the end of this event run (memorial Day) we might finally have everything figured out!

March 13–March 19, 2011

My week started early in the morning for the first time in weeks…but I got to work Disney Channel Rocks! and Disney Dance Crew for the first time in over two months so it was worth it!  I loved working with the cast & crew again.  I just hope I don’t have to go another 2 months before I get to work the shift again.  Afterward, I headed down to Karen’s for the family celebration of her birthday!  We had a lovely dinner with cake for dessert.  There was just time left after dinner for Karen to open her gifts before shuffling the kids off to bed.  Well, we tried to get them off to bed but there was too much going on with the grownups for them to settle down.  Especially because Brandon had a star or the week project (posterboard with photos of his life) to turn in the next day and he wanted to do it – not just leave it to Mom and Aunt Shannon.  I would’ve taken pictures of the birthday girl and her gifts but she was sunburned from her day in the snow.  So we decided, the pictures from Wicked on Thursday would be her birthday pictures for this year!  All in all, a very nice day for me!

Monday before work, I headed down to Linder’s Furniture to purchase the sofa I’d finally decided was right for me.  Unfortunately, as expected, my poor credit (due to my bankruptcy) did not allow me to finance the loveseat.  So it was a cash purchase of the sofa only for me.  But that’s just fine.  One less piece of furniture to move when I finally have to leave this place, right?  I can’t wait for my new purchase to arrive. 

Wednesday was the first rehearsal of the new pirate show at Disneyland – we’re calling it Join Jack’s Crew internally but it’s official title is “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – exclusive 3D Sneak Peek”.  Much easier to say Join Jack’s Crew!  It’s a great, funny new little event happening weekends through Memorial Day.  I’m really excited to work with these great guys (some of them for the second time – they are former Pirate’s Lair cast members!). 

Thursday and Friday I worked fireworks and MMY.  I looked to the skies to keep the rain and wind away.  Thankfully we got in wonderful shows each night.  Friday I also started the day with rehearsal & a meeting for Join Jack’s Crew.  It was the first of many long days at work to come!   

12 on 12 March 2011

Another interesting day in the life of me… I knew it was going to be a very full day but I got started like any other day – a little time on the computer.  But it was just a few minutes.  I had plenty to do and there was no time for sitting around.  As I was leaving my house, I went to turn on my porch light & remembered it had burnt out a few days ago (I had been coming home in the dark the past few nights).  I decided to take the time and change the lamp (that’s the theater tech in me coming out – the rest of the world calls it a light bulb).  And since I was there, I cleaned the housing as well.  Now I have a lovely, clean, bright porch light. 

Then I loaded up some empty boxes into my car and headed to Mission Viejo and the family house.  I’m loaning all my good packing boxes to my family for their upcoming move.  My drive there takes me through Santiago canyon – a popular bike riding area.  On this particular Saturday, a bike club was out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day – they were all dressed in green – some even had shamrock hats and decorations.  It was most amusing.  And since I was stopped at a red light, I was able to take a picture (though apparently my computer doesn’t want to read it properly at this time).

I dropped off the boxes at the house and picked up Mom and cousin Barbara.  They were going with me to do some sofa shopping.  I had tentatively picked one out through Pottery Barn but thought I’d do one more day of looking before finalizing.  We headed over to Costco so I could get some cheap(er) gas and then went to Living Spaces.  I’d heard good & bad things so I wanted to check them out.  It was quite a large showroom.  We sat in a lot of couches!  And we even found a couple that were in my price range that I liked.  Realizing we’d spent over two hours in the store, we headed to lunch.  We decided on Wendy’s in the same shopping center.  It was a lovely lunch (thanks Mom!). 

When I took a picture of us at lunch, I realized I hadn’t gotten any photos when we were in Living Spaces – so I made us go back in a take photos of the final two sofas I’d settled on.  The first was a comfy over-stuffed style that had recliners on each side and the middle cushion pulled down.  It was a blue & grey softly patterned fabric.  The second was a charcoal grey corduroy type fabric with square arms.  The cushions were all attached and not interchangeable.  But it was cheap enough I could get the couch and loveseat!

Since it was getting late in the afternoon I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hit any other stores.  The route I decided to take us back home took us by a few more options so I decided to stop.  Linder’s Furniture was having an inventory close out sale so we popped in there first.  They didn’t have a lot in my style at first but we kept looking.  We came upon a dark red sofa with loose, fully interchangeable pillows that I really liked.  And it was 25% off currently!  Love it!  so I took a business card from the salesperson and said I’d be in touch. 

WE then drove to the next center to Easy Life Furniture.  Again, they didn’t have a lot in the type of style I was looking for but I’d seen one I’d liked in their ad.  We eventually found it in the back.  It was an espresso color in the same corduroy type fabric as at Living spaces but with rolled arms and loose interchangeable cushions.  All in all, I found some really awesome choices and decided to give up the pottery barn option as I liked all of these better. 

WE then headed home to see if Dad was going to join us for the rest of the afternoon/evening at Disneyland.  He was not, but as the others were getting ready, I got to have some talk time with him.  I’ve been so lucky to have my family nearby for so long, it’s going to be hard when they’re gone. 

Then it was off to Disneyland – Barbara hadn’t been in many years.  We started at Disney California Adventure.  First was fast passes for Soarin’ over California; then on our way over to Toy Story Mania we stopped for Churros.  There’s just something about a Disney churro that is so delicious. 

Once at the Toy Story Mania line, we realized it was just too long and we wanted to do more – so we got in line for the rollercoaster, California Screamin’.  So much fun.  I don’t want to ever get too old for rollercoasters.  I took a picture of the picture they took of us on the ride! :)

Since we had time to kill before our fast pass time we headed over to the blue sky cellar to learn more about the DCA expansion, including the new Little Mermaid attraction and Carsland.   Next we thought about Tower of Terror, only to find an 80 minute wait – pass.  So we thought, “how about Monsters , inc?  There’s hardly ever a line there”  Wrong – 25 minute wait.  What?!?  I’d forgotten what a Saturday during spring break was like in terms of crowd size!  Sheesh!  So we skipped Soarin and headed over to Disneyland.

As we got on to Main Street, the Dapper Dans were headed out for a set.  Barbara was intrigued so we went over and watched.  They are a great barbershop quartet.  They have a lot of fun and are very entertaining.  On this particular day, I knew two of the singers so it was even more fun for me.

Next we decided to head over to Pirate’s of the Caribbean.  The line here always moves fairly quickly.  Barbara hadn’t been on it since the updates inserting Captain Jack Sparrow, et al into the attraction.  Besides, it is a must see/experience when at Disneyland.

We then got fast passes for Indiana Jones and decided it was time for dinner.  Our first thought was to try the Big Thunder Ranch BBQ – however, when we arrived we were informed they were no longer taking walk-ups, only reservations.  Boo!  Since Village Haus was the next closest, and they have a new menu as well, we went there.  Don’t special order any food!  We learned the hard way – 20 minutes later we were finally eating our dinner.  It was pretty good but I think I’d rather of had BBQ – oh well, next time!

Continuing On to it’s a small world.  I hadn’t been on it in non-holiday attire in quite a while.  again, Barbara hadn’t seen it since they’d updated and inserted the Disney characters into the attraction.  we got off the ride just in time for Mom and Barbara to be the first in my family to see my new show “The Magic, The Memories, and You!”  There were some technical issues not making it the perfect show, but they enjoyed it anyway! 

After the show we headed over to Space Mountain to pick up more fast passes; alas, they were sold out and the line was too long.  So Autopia fast passes instead and then standing in line for Matterhorn.  While in line for Matterhorn, we watched fireworks.  After the ride, I parted ways as I had to work early the next morning (for the first time in weeks).  But Mom and Barbara stayed and closed the park.  They got on Autopia, watched Fantasmic, rode Indiana Jones, Big Thunder Mountain, and finally Back to Space Mountain.  Not at all a bad taking for a Saturday afternoon/evening at the Resort. 

All in all it was a fantastic day off for me.  I love that I was able to spend a day with my cousin, whom I Haven’t seen in a long time, and my Mom.  WE definitely filled the day with good conversation and lasting memories.  Thanks girls!

Mar 6–Mar 12, 2011

Another week in the books – I can’t believe it’s already mid-March.  I could swear I was just celebrating Christmas and the New Year!  As I grow older, time seems to move faster and faster.  Time slips away from me – living, working, playing.  And this week I experienced a very nice balance of work and life.

As always, work was busy this week.  I originally had taken an overdue holiday so I could have 3 days off but that was not to be for me.  Due to extenuating circumstances, I had to “bank” my holiday again (for use at a later time) and work the entire 5 day work week.  However, it was a lovely and varied week of work.  On Tuesday, I made sure James made a ‘guest’ appearance in my new show.  Several of his friends came out to see it.  It was a really moving moment and a lovely tribute to our friend.  I will always carry that memory with me.

In addition to MMY this week, I also got to ‘refresh’ on Disney Channel Rocks and Disney Dance Crew in preparation for my scheduled shift on Sunday.  I loved being back on the Pier and in the Backlot!  As much as I love my current Disneyland status, I miss my DCA shows – the cast, the crew, the shows themselves.  Hopefully I won’t have to go another 2 months before getting to make another guest appearance.  Speaking of being away – I also miss my Jedi cast & crew.  But this week, I had the opportunity to lead a meeting with half of the cast.  It was just a couple of hours but they are a great bunch too!  Starting at the end of the month, I will see a few of them on a more regular basis because I’ll be playing on the Jedi softball team again! Super excited!!!

For the life portion of my week… it was my little sister Karen’s birthday week!  One of the reason we bought the season tickets for OCPAC was because of Wicked.  And the fact it was playing the day  before her birthday was icing on the cake.  We made it a girl’s night out event.  Mom, Karen, Jamie (Karen’s BFF), and myself met for dinner at the Olive Garden before the show – Sarah joined us straight from work for the show.  After I got off work, I drove over & picked up Mom from her job.  Since we were early for dinner, we stopped at Costco and did a bit of shopping before heading to the restaurant.  Karen and Jamie got stuck in a bit of traffic but eventually made it to dinner.  We ate way to many breadsticks and had enough meal leftover for lunch the next day – yum!  And no matter how we plan to have enough time, we always seem to get the waiter who just disappears as we are ready to wrap things up and pay our check.  Ah well…best laid plans and all…

Then it was on to the show.  We made it with just enough time to purchase the requisite magnet and hit the ladies room before taking our seats.  This was the first show in the two years I’ve been a season ticket holder, in which there were no empty seats.  We usually sneak forward a few rows but we actually had to sit in our assigned seats for a change.  We enjoyed a lovely production of Wicked and Sarah & I knew two people in the company from their days at Disney!  Mom & Karen had never seen it and it was joy to share this experience with them.  Overall, it was a lovely celebration for the ‘small child’ :)

Saturday was also a very fun filled day – in short (because you’ll get to read all about it in my 12 on 12 post) I got hang with family, including cousin Barbara, shop a bit more for a sofa, and play at the Park in the afternoon/evening.  Needless to say, I was exhausted when I arrived home that night.  But before bed there was one last task to complete – changing all the clocks ahead 1 hour for Daylight Savings.  I am not a fan of ‘spring forward’ and losing that hour.  Alas, I got all but two clocks changed and hit the hay because the new week was going to start with a bang early the next morning!

Feb 27–Mar 5, 2011

It was a week of ups and downs for me.  I started the week with the Academy Awards on Sunday night.  I always enjoy the event, it’s just fun.  I’d only seen a few of the nominees but still got a kick out of everything.  However, no sooner had the broadcast begun than my upstairs neighbors began banging – a rhythmic banging, over and over.  After 10 minutes of nonstop banging I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I called my Mom and was venting to her – after another 10 minutes (20 total) she convinced me to go upstairs and inquire.  Turns out my neighbors were “breading steak” – and they still needed another 5 minutes – I’ve never breaded steak that way!  I suppose to each their own.  Their response was “oh I guess that would be annoying to hear”.  Uh-huh!  Thankfully they did eventually stop and I was able to catch up with the ceremony due to the awesome technology of pausing live television! 

Work was the usual this week.  Nothing too out of the ordinary.  I had another work meeting after a shift one night – things are still developing.  More later.

On Wednesday, life took a definite down turn, made all the more intense by my present mood (see previous post if you are adventurous).  I learned my friend and former colleague, James Gattuso, had a heart attack and passed away on Monday – he was 41.  I learned a great deal from him in our shared years at Disney.  We traded books, laughs, and a desire to travel more (which we never did together).  Thursday after work, a few of us gathered at a mutual friend’s house to talk and remember James.  And on Tuesday, I’ll be having my own honorary memorial at the Resort.  His official memorial will be March 20th.  The world truly lost a good man and he will be missed.  He will always be remembered on Fantasmic as the guy who said we should “pray for spiders on the stage right path”!  He meant to type spray but missed and sent out the “prayer” out to all involved with Fantasmic! 

It was definitely a reminder to not put off seeing friends and telling loved ones what they mean in my life.  I’d spoken to him in August and we said we should get together soon.  And suddenly it’s March and I’ve missed my chance.

Friday I got to spend an evening out with Mom.  Rock of Ages the Musical was in town and I’d gotten us tickets.  She and I used to go to our classic rock concerts at least once a year.  Unfortunately tickets are just too expensive these days – we liked it when they hadn’t had a resurgence in popularity!  The show is set in the mid-to-late 80’s and features songs from all our favorites (Journey, REO Speedwagon, Foreigner, Styx) and my beloved Hair Metal bands (Warrant, Damn Yankees, Whitesnake, Poison, etc).  We had such a fantastic time! 

Before the show we met at South Coast Plaza and did some shopping at Crate & Barrel.  Mom had a gift certificate/credit to use.  It was fun wandering and figuring out what she could use and/or want.  She ended up with a bowl, a serving casserole & stand, a couple of pastry tools, a pepper grinder, and a few crème Brule bowls.  Not a bad score at all!  Then we moseyed next door to Pottery Barn to look at the sofa I’m considering purchasing and the fabric choices. 

After shopping it was time for dinner.  We choose TGIFriday’s because it was close & neither of us had been there too recently.  Of course we completely forgot it was a Friday night – needless to say the 90 minutes we thought we had to enjoy a leisurely meal and walk to the theater didn’t quite pan out.  We got our food with about 15 minutes to eat it before we had to dash out.  We arrived at the theater as they were ringing the 5 minute bell and sat in the seats just minutes before curtain.  But oh, what laughs we enjoyed.  It was one of those “leave the theater at the end of the night with your cheeks hurting because you’ve been smiling & laughing so much” shows.

I was fairly unproductive on Saturday – just hung around the house reading (Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – finished it too!) & vegging in front of the television.  That evening I drove out to Corona for Ashna & Preston Horman’s housewarming/Carter’s 1st birthday celebration.  It was lovely and their home is quite nice – it’ll definitely be a place they can grow their family.  On my way home I stopped at Target and picked up some cheap furniture – a side table, a small coffee table, a small storage ottoman, and 2 throw pillows (plus groceries the bill was still under $100).  They’ll do until I can afford to purchase the good stuff!  I ended my week putting together my newly acquired furniture.  

The Truth of the Matter?

The following is purposefully small and hard to read... mostly I just wanted to get my thoughts out and in the world (as a way of validating any of their possible truths) - without anyone actually reading them.  This is not one of those what I've been doing posts but rather my darker inner thoughts and feelings. 

I’ve been thinking about the power of thought and it’s affect on a person a lot recently.  I’ve used the motto “fake it til you make it” my whole career.  And it seems to have worked to an extent.  But I have yet to truly convince myself.  I feel I am still faking it – that someday soon everyone will find out I’m a fraud and I don’t really know what the heck I’m doing in anything
. 
Growing up all my leaders were convinced I had plenty of self esteem, confidence in myself (or least that is what I perceived).  The truth was I was scared out of my mind of others finding out the complete opposite was in fact the truth.  Everyday I doubt myself, think I’m not good enough for anything.  As hard as I try to turn my thoughts to positive and constructive ideas, I don’t always succeed…it is so very difficult for me.  So I wonder if the ‘fake it’ motto is worth it?  Or I am just hurting myself by continuing to fake it to the outside world without letting anyone see the truth?  Would showing the world the truth help or hurt?  What is the truth anyway?  Can I face my own truth?  Do I truly even know my own truth?  

So I hide in my house – literally and figuratively; I don’t put myself out there – in “the world”.  Logically I know that without pain there can’t be happiness.  I have to experience one to have the other.  My heart is just so hurt I don’t know that it could stand any more; it might finally physically break from too much pressure.  In hiding I keep myself safe but I also keep myself from true joy.  I just don’t know that I can leave the safe haven I’ve so heavily enforced on my own. 

I’ve never had loads of friends, only ever a handful that I’d let see a portion of my true self.  I don’t like to let even myself see the truth, there’s no way I’m letting others see it; so I keep numbers down.  And when I think I’ve found someone to share a bit more with in life, things inevitably change for that person and they aren’t in my life anymore.  Perhaps they figured out I was faking it and didn’t like the truth underneath.  But honestly, what is the truth underneath?  Regardless of how well I think I buried it somehow portions of it continue to emerge.  I need to find the strength to unbury it – confront it head on and deal with it.  Only that’s never been a strong suit with me – dealing with confrontation, pain, negativity, etc.  I either just push it away, look over/around it and forget about it; or I focus in on it, wallow in it and never let it go until it’s a blemish festering in my being.  Neither scenario is healthy.      

The loneliness I’ve created, more often than not, is a twisted sort of comfort.  It’s a place I justify my feelings of inadequacy; where I hide from even myself by immersing myself in books and movies and alternate universes – where good conquers evil without fail, the hero always succeeds, and happily ever after is never in doubt.  It’s when the fictional happy ending doesn’t comfort me because it’s a stark reminder that I don’t have my own “happily ever after” that all those doubts slip back in and I think and I sit down and write these diatribes.  So the cycle continues – doubt in myself creates pain creates hiding safe within myself creates singledom creates loneliness creates doubt in myself.

Recently, I had someone ask me why I wasn’t active in church anymore.  What I thought would be a complex question to answer comes down to one thing.  My lifestyle isn’t so far from returning and my beliefs still hold true – it really boils down to this one feeling – a feeling that so overwhelms me that it hurts physically.  I feel like a failure when I attend.  When I’m sitting in sacrament, everywhere around me are examples of my failures as a person – no husband or children or family of any kind and ‘a barely get by on my own’ career.  I sit alone with my thoughts (which turn to the worst when left on their own).  In later meetings when discussion turns to being a successful wife or mother, it scalds me again – my failure in this life.  I will try for a few weeks but I just can’t handle hurting every week so I stop going.  I know it’s where I should be – I know there are things I would learn and benefit from – it is just that it physically hurts when I hear about the things I haven’t accomplished and likely never will at this point. 

In the “real” world I know I’m still young – 36 isn’t that old but it’s old enough.  I only have a four or five more years to have children and I haven’t had a date in at least that long.  So it bodes that I will continue in this single state past child bearing.  And I’m not against step children, though it does terrify me – “instant motherhood” and no time to learn – but there aren’t too many good single men out there anyway.  And like me, why are they still single then?  Is something wrong or weird that’s kept them single?  I know the same could be said of me, which doesn’t make the prospect of dating any more appealing either.

Plus, I find it so much harder to ‘fake it’ in a social situation.  I can usually ‘fake it’ for a small period of time before I am completely a fish out of water at a party.  Give me a wall and I will hold it up.  Most times I’d rather live in my pain of loneliness than attend a party.  My self esteem takes a huge hit in these situations.  My clothes are never right, my hair is awful, I’m too fat, my comments are lame – everyone can see all my faults.  Why would anyone want to talk to or associate with me?  Then the faking begins to crumble and everyone can truly see how awkward I truly am so I bolt.  I retreat to the safety inside my well constructed walls. 

All this to say – is there truth to the power of thought?  Am I slave to my own thoughts – negative and positive?  Can I “fake it til I make it” even in my thoughts?